Si.n.g My. L.ov.e

Monday, August 09, 2004

Depression. That was the topic the pastor shared with us today. It was a rather interesting topic.
She kinda shared tt there are 3 layers to depression. 1st, the emotional outrage. 2nd, thought of negativiy. 3rd, thought of death. (can't remember exactly but this is abt what she shared).
There are 3 stages of depression. 1st, initial thought of death. 2nd, deeper thoughts on death. 3rd, carrying out those thoughts. She also mentioned tt once a person enters depression, he/she will fall deeper into darkness. morbid thoughts will enter the mind. his/her character becomes covered up. to some, he/she may appear nonchalent and unbothered abt many things. but tt is not truly the case, its just tt depression has taken such a firm grip in tt individual life tt he/she does not know what she's doing.
i thought to myself. all those sound very familiar. almost too familiar already. then it struck me. i did suffer from long term depression. the weird thing is pple who suffer from depression, may not necessary know tt they are suffering from the illness. personally, i nvr knew tt i was suffering from depression. for starters i nvr did seek any medical help. depressed pple look, dress and talk like normal pple do. in addition, they may even appear happier then other pple. personally, throughout my depressed days, i always seem cheery and smiley and fine. however, i knew something was wrong with me throughout my teenagehood but i nvr really figured out what, till i reached the age of 19. (i would talk a little bit abt this in a whilst time).
the pastor was also sharing abt how every single individual would suffer depression symptoms at one point or another in their life, but this person would not fall into depression. however, if there is a right triggering factor, the person would fall into depression.
personally, i can't exactly recall what was the triggering factor. i knew tt throughout my childhood, from p 1 - p4, my life evolved around studies, and the lack of a playmate in the afternoons. which equates lonely. however, tt was not the triggering factor. i think the true triggering factor (or rather the beginning event of my depression) is actually the death of 2 friends of mine. i was at the young age of primary 5. i suffered from shock (normally it'll last till like 1 - 2 years. but this shock took grip of my life for like 7 years. i could not forgive myself for something i did not do for them for 7 years) straight after i learnt of their deaths, my doors in life just shut. i grieved privately. my mother could not understand why am i so bothered by their deaths. whenever i try to bring the issue of their death, my mother would simply shut me up by saying:" their dead already. talk abt them for what? let the dead be the dead." to a p 5 kid, who was suffering from shock, it felt like a tight slap in the face. and along came the pressure of doing well. it was the same year, my mother who do not really discipline me, beat me hard for not putting my best effort in learning chinese (i was really tired tt night and i could not focus in learning spelling. so she hit me hard). and soon after, my world just fell apart.
i had regular thoughts of death in my head.i toyed with ideas on how to die. i was obssessed with vampires and death. i was totally absorbed by dark gothic stuff. (i know my blog is a little gothic, but don't worry i'm not depressed any more). it got to such a bad extent, i dreamt dreams of death. pple coming after me with knives. fires. darkness. falling. breathlessness. i suffered from insomia.
i lost myself for 7 years. but i think the most scary part is tt i can vividly recall those times i wanted to take my life. the first was when i was p 6. i wanted to jump out of my window which was 15 floors above ground. (i was too tired though. so i said, nvr mind. tmr when i have the strength i would. thank goodness i didn't.) and then again the same year. the same thought. i was too tired again. and then the actions ceased till i went up to sec 4. now tt was a scary year, coz, this time i looked at a pen knife. but i was too horrified by the thought tt i would see blood. and what if i couldn't end my life properly? my mum would scold me some more. to be honest, i nvr knew i was suffering from depression. i would joke to my peers and friends tt wah, i super depressed today.
i didn't realise i really was under depression. till JC2. (ain't tt last year?? haha) something tt shook me hard. it was after my prelims. i scored really badly for my prelims. i felt downright stupid. tt night. i cried silently in my room. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't get rid of tt sadness in my heart. everything turned dark. i got out of bed. i went for the medicine cabinet. i reached for panadol. i swallowed a pill. i took the remaining 9 tablets into my room. subconsciously, i knew what i was doing. but every single movement i made. i knew it wasn't me. darkness had wrapped around me and gripped me so hard, i was led by darkness.my heart, my head, all i could see was darkness. my leg moved on their own, my hand reached out by itself. this time round i truly lost control of my entire self. if then, i hadn't had the mindset and knowledge tt by dousing too many pills might just kill me there and then. i would have doused down whatever nonsense i could find in my cabinet. thank goodness, i think god was with me all the while tt night. after dousing down yet another one more pill. i fell asleep. i won't know what would become of myself if i had doused down all 10. the next day i woke up in shock. dousing down the pills had felt like it was all a dream. i knew. i was suffering from something really really serious.
it was not until i got trapped in a toilet for almost an hour or so and images of teenagehood life flashed across my head, and knowing how helpless i was in life, i won't have had the opportunity to share with a fellow pastor why i was so fearful in the toilet. and he would not have had made me renounce my past which was filled with depression and death.
By a turn of luck, tt fearful toilet trip changed my life around. coz ever since tt day, after the prayer said, i do not have any thoughts of death any more. i know tt it was God who set me free.
i finally understood why a 18 year old val and a 19 year old val is so different. a 18 year old val was one who was depressed and didn't know who she was. a 19 year old val is not a depressed person any more and is a stronger ger. i told god one thing on my 19 birthday tt changed my life. tt was "god i want to get serious with you this year." in return, god really showed me a lot of doors. and i'm so very grateful.
i guess, most pple know tt one of my main future goal in life, is to make a difference in a child's life. but most do not really know the true stir behind it. its because, after having suffered from depression throughout my teenagehood, i realise tt if there was some one to guide me during my dark days, i might have had a happier teenagehood. and if God hadn't held me back so very often in my struggles with death, i won't be around any more. since i've gained something from god, which is love. why not share this love with children who too like me fell victim to depression. tts the stir tt was placed in my heart ever since i was set free from darkness of depression.
i hope tt this little testimony of mine has helped u in a way or another. it took courage to actually share it out. but i guess, depression to me is a thing of the past. i'm a newer me, modified and improved by God. and i just wanna say how much i'm thankful for the person i am. though i still suffer a little depression symptoms, like being anti-social at times, i'm no longer slave to depression. :) Amen!

And here the story ends.
12:23 AM