Sunday, February 29, 2004

ah... yet again another sunday...

i'm sun burnt!!! very sun burnt!!! my neck is so painful u know red red one.. :)

sighz... hmm i had a very nice sleep yesterday despite my incident witht he toilet.. strangely, after i did my QT, i kinda felt peace again in my heart... it's like, i had tt peace even though i didn't quite understand what was going on during my devotions.. :)

well... the only problem is tt my body still aches from yesterday's struggle... and i had little sleep too.. :)

sighz... but seriously, i've gotta thank a lot of pple for praying for me yesterday, music team, and esp kevin... if not, the night would have ended somewhat different... very off indeed... and i still have fears to go toilet alone, those toilets tt are dim dark... but god gives me courage...

hmmz... i am simply dead beat.. shall be going to do stuff.... am listening to jazz now... helps me relax a bit... very feely feely.. k la... :)

And here the story ends.
7:35 AM

Saturday, February 28, 2004

the lesson of the day: isolation...
how u might ask?? >> i got stuck in the toilet...

no laughing... i'm serious.. and nopez not the "i'm doing big business tts why i was stuck in the toilet" more like "i was stuck becoz the door couldn't open" in another sense... "trapped"....

till now i've yet to understand why i got trapped in the toilet... but i've learnt the big lesson of isolation...

even though it was a short one hour, i experienced the different stages of madness....

firstly, i tot it as a joke... i went "God, kk i'm stuck here, what u want from me??" no answer....

secondly, frustration set in... i went "God kk, this is no fun anymore, quick what u want from me?? what u want me to learn?? SPEAK!!! wave wave hello?!?!"

thirdly, the tot tt hey i shall attempt to do something creative.. must be courageous, pray and see got strength anot... so i started my climbing stunt... yesh u heard it right... i attempted to climb and i have footprint marks on the wall to prove it... it didn't work.. basically, the plan to get out of the toilet by climbing didn't work..

fourthly, i prayed really hard and i cried.... i went into a panic attack.... but then cry for what?? as if will work like tt... so i decide to build up courage, to face the door again... it failed yesh again

fifthly, then i went into an angry stage... i was yesh angry at kevin, tot he didn't care tt i was stuck in the toilet.. tot he didn't know i was in the toilet, coz i remember saying i'm going toilet.. and it doesn't help tt i keep hearing pple singing outside, and playing pool and laughing.. and gosh no girls go toilet?? and i was madder becoz i wanted to sleep i was tired!! then i cried and cried...

sixthly, felt tt no point crying again... so i got up from my squatting position, and did my climbing stint again... made good frens with the dust up there... didn't smell too nice... at tt point, i suddenly felt this strong feeling of how would those pple who wanted to commit suicide feel... *they must be so courageous to even want to stand at the edge and fall to their death... i couldn't even tahan standing on the toilet seat which was so filmsy, so afraid i'll fall inside... and i was hanging fromt he bars above.. what if i fall and hit my head??? i hate to see blood... esp my own blood... then recollection of my childhood days of me falling down, hitting my head... BLOOD!!! terror!!!

then i decide, this ain't getting me anyway... so i faced the door again... by now, i got irritated by the non-stop flushing of the toilet (no it wasn't ghosts, but it was auto flush)... then, got water seep through the bottom of the toilet bowl... a bit like ghost stories like tt... quite amusing... but it wasn't at all amusing at all... then... the mood of the toilet was gloomy... GREEN... DARK GREEN... and i hate green in the first place...

depression set in... and i was very very desperate!!!! so much so, i was crying and crying as i was making a wasted effort climbing the stupid green wall... if the wall tt seperated the 2 toilets were thinner i would have successfully climbed over i'm short... couldn't reach.. couldn't even pull myself up...

i was crying and praying and yelling to myself... i was pissed off at everything and anything... so i became super violent to the door... i jumped up and grab hold of the door and shoke it... but it hurts to high heavens... then... i kicked the door...

i think i was losing my sanity... seriously... i could understand the pains and frustrations of those who were kept in isolation... esp in dark... in a small room... u start hitting everything in sight... u go mad!! and then the devil keeps folling your mind... u keep wondering why god nvr listen... why nvr send pple in... why why WHY?!?!? and then in a whirl i fumbled around didn't know what i was doing already.. i kinda lost control of my mind temporary...

the ending?? the door just opened... i grabbed my jacket, and left... still pissed and still mad and very much not on the right side of mind...

i still have yet to understand why i had to go through this ordeal today.. maybe in future i'll know why...

till then... no more dark green toilets.. and i'll bring my hp when i go toilet form now on.. and if possible... not going alone... to be away from pple trapped in isolation for 1 hour kills...

And here the story ends.
7:00 AM

Friday, February 27, 2004

am watching love poetry now... superb.... simply awesome... not only becoz they speak proper english and add a little touch of poetic style... but simply becoz it's lovely... very local very local... and what more can i add abt the show?? it's really romantic.. i mean seriously, how many guys would write they gers poetry?? *thinks... actually quite a bunch.. haha... hmmz... well.. but it's still a one of a kind show.. *support local talents!!

hmmz.. decided i shall go get a jazz ballad cd... hmmz... u know by listening to those type of songs, somehow, i'll feel so light and cheery... strange but true.. hahaha...

hmmz... well, i wonder, with this 1st cut being played on tv, does tt mean tt govern is supporting more loacal talents?? :) hmmz... supporting the arts.. or izzit becoz they just wanna compete with foreign countries tt are filled with the culture feel... something tt singapore lacks so much... all abt the certs and the certs and the certs... makes me think twice abt what course i wanna take, simply becoz if i take a course tt is supposedly "not money earning", i'm rated as "low-class?" man.. singapore is so all abt credits... geesh...

And here the story ends.
8:46 AM

hmmz... yeah the blog is up and running and it looks pretty... all thanks to joon and may*... :) .. hmmz.. well... it's quite interesting to have a blog tt is customised... well. though most of my memories still lie with the old one... :) .. hmmz shall be doing both though...

well it's already 2 am in the morning.. have been attempting to modify this thing for like 2 days liao.. super tiring... kk... time to sleep..

tata... :)

And here the story ends.
2:09 AM

it's a brand new day.. and this blog is finally up and running.... properly... all thanks to joon and may*.... hmmz... what should i say?? i'm quite happy... sighz... though most of my memories still lie on the previous blog... but anyway.. yupp shall be doing both anyway.. :)

it's already 2 am in the morning.. am logging off soon... enough work for the day.. after having attempted to modify this for the past 2 days... :)

tata...

And here the story ends.
2:06 AM

Thursday, February 26, 2004

i'm deadbeat from thinking today.... it's like everything cramped up... and not to mention i think i've blogged so much today... literally....

today's devotions talked abt obedience to God... abt how when God speaks He means it... abt the tower of Babel, what happened when men did not do what God wanted them to do, to spread out over the nations after leaving the ark... about how God confused their language as a result... and as a result we have so many different languages....

to think about it, God is a busy man... imagine He has to attend to everyone of our needs... now u need lotsa authority and mind to do such thing.. hmmmz...

to think about it, i'm still struggling with a lot of issue in my mind...

and today, i was struggling with yet again sadness... though i told myself time and time again not to fall into depression... and amen though it was tempting, but somehow, i felt this strength (i think it was God) this strength to actually tell myself not to... i had this strange strength to fight depression.. though i feel sad today, and the blues struck, but somehow, i was able to fight back being super duperly gloomy...

i need lotsa strength currently to fight off depression, anxiety, worries and the blues.. i need it so very much...

Lord, i need you... very very much...

And here the story ends.
8:43 AM

dear god... i feel blue today.... and everytime my mummy says the same line i feel even more blue.. the day started out with me feeling a tinge of headache from yesterday and it went on to today... dear god... i really really need you...

And here the story ends.
7:18 AM

what can i say? my mind is whirl-like... seriously.. i can't take such stress... sheesh... it gets more and more painful at times....

i guess in life, really needa pray to God like almost every single step tt i take.. if not... i feel so stressed up when i've no idea where am i heading towards... and with the A's coming up so soon... hey hey hey gotta make big steps of my life....

sheesh.. how i wish i can hear the waves once more.. maybe i would.. maybe i would...

And here the story ends.
7:01 AM

2nd day into attempting to modifying this blog and i just wanna puke more blood... so much things to do!!! aiyoh... hmmz...

yawn... hmmz... i think i shall just leave it as it is till i can do a nice one.. hmmz all i need now, is to know how to make the tag board background invisible.. then the whole thing is nice liao...

did a 2nd lay out... with the same star... geesh.. did so many trial & error... hmmz... hopefully i can do it properly....

:) i added links too.. to all my frens and their blogs... i've yet to learn how to make the archives into a drop down menu... well well.. see how it goes.. :)

ta da!!

And here the story ends.
4:31 AM

oh the horror.... *gasp..... hmmz.. i didn't know in order to add a tag board is SO HARD... actually it's easy but to make it look pretty ish very hard... very very very hard.... to me la at least.. coz i'm an anti comp person... hmmz... bummer... big big bummer....

And here the story ends.
12:03 AM

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

this is insane... attempting to modify the layout... manz.... bummer....

And here the story ends.
11:33 PM

2 hours into the editing and i'm developing a MAJOR headache... seriously... it doesn't help tt i seriously dont' know anything abt codes... so i'm just like copying codes and seeing if it works.. trial and error... painful man... seriously painful....

as u can tell.. my blog is like in a terrible mess.... it seems a little too simple.. and i can't seem to add the tag into it.. coz it looks simply outta place so am trying to re-configure the whole page so tt the tag can be added perfectly...

sheesh hard work...

And here the story ends.
7:27 AM

welcome to my new uploaded view of my blog...

i tell you, i can just puke blood trying to modify this blog of mine... seriously... i'm still learning how to change it... the weird thing is... i know nuts abt it.. i just kup here kup there.. then wah la a decent modified one... though i seriously still don't understand why the one with the www.affettuoso-grandiso.blogspot.com one cannot show what affettuoso-grandiso.blogspot.com shows... don't believe go check it out!!! and it makes me very frustrated dont' know why...

and yuppz as u can tell, there's a link to my 1st blog page... hmmz.. to think abt it, it's quite interesting.. i set up this continuation just in time to realise tt i can no longer log on to the previous one... but it just boils down to one thing, the link to my 1st blog is just a link to act as a history referencing to my previous blogs.. :)

sheesh.. this whole editing is driving me nuts... i didn't want to use the original one so i modified to suit my needs but man.. it's madness.. esp when i'm a no computer nutter to begin with... it's amazing i'm even able to navigate and modify some stuff... but it was fun... :)

hmmz i think in the future, i'll start to add more links and stuff... but for now.. this is what it will be.. it's already madness...

though i kinda think the template resembles a bit like the SE shirt a few years back.. dont' u think so???

hmmz.. anyway.. if u dont' see your link to mine and wish to be added.. pls pls, err e-mail me or something?? coz i'm still attempting to add more links but... i'm so tired now liao.. hahaha

kk.. :)

And here the story ends.
4:53 AM

well... what is life???

hmmz anyway, just came home from driving... quite fun ah... i kinda almost crashed into a crane today.. quite interesting.. thankfully my instructor stepped the brake in time for me.. if not gone... hahaha... well, i think i'm a reckless driver.. i still have problem steering... worst then changing gear.. change gear, i can steer off course one.. my instructor say its quite common.. the worst is from changing 3rd to 2nd gear.. i keep changing to 4th gear... then everytime becoz of this i steer off course.. hahaha... :)

hmmz.. rather hungry.. waiting for my mum to cook... sighz.. and sleepy too.. i think i've develop the sleep early wake up early habit.. now i wake up at unearthly hour of 6 plus in the morning.. madness right?? my goodness.. hahaha....

i think tmr i shall go by the beach to relax... kinda miss the sea breeze... i read somewhere there once a week must take time off to just relax ourselves.. i shall do it tmr... since i've no driving and no other stuff on... to be by myself for some time, listen to the waves hitting the rocks... see children playing oh yah now it's school days... so i presume there won't be anyone in sight... well.. but yuppz it's a deal then.. i shall go tmr... :)

And here the story ends.
2:23 AM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

well, well, well... today has been an interesting day for me.. i just kinda woke up.. with my brains a little fried from yesterday... hmmz... just something to share though.....

yesterday, i was asking god abt my own faith christianity, and as i did my devotions, he talked to me abt certain stuff and just blew me away...

Colossians 1:16 ~ for by Him all things were created: things in heaven & on earth, visible & invisible. whether
thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created BY HIM & FOR HIM....
>> tt whether principalities, authorities, everything, were created BY GOD, & FOR GOD alone... if it doesn't satisfy this criteria, it's not by Him...

Isaish 45:18 ~ for this is what the LOrd says - he who created the heavens, he is God; he who fashioned & made the earth, he who founded it; he did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited - he says:" I AM THE LORD, & THERE IS NO OTHER"
>> tt no idol can represent GOD, no one no thing can represent GOD.. He is who He is.... alpha and omega, just GOD & GOD alone...

Hebrews 1:2 ~ but in these last days he has SPOKEN TO US BY HIS SON, whom he appointed HEIR OF ALL THINGS, & through whom He made the universe
>> tt only the truth is told through Jesus, and no other....

amazingly.. God answered my questions once again...

And here the story ends.
7:54 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

hmmz.. my first blog... continuation of my previous...

And here the story ends.
10:03 PM