Sunday, August 29, 2004

My cousin's sleeping soundly in my room... though, i've this impression i would eventually be woken up... not only he's down with slight fever, he's having nightmares... as much as he makes me really mad at him when he throws tantrum, i think, as a sister, i should be more caring right?? hmmz.. just now, all of a sudden he started wailing... like really badly... i think he was dreaming of his parents fighting or something.. coz he cried really badly and screamed i want mummy or something... gave me a bad bad bad shock... hopefully tonight, none of tt would re-occur and i can sleep soundly and go school without much eye bags... yuppz... oh well.. hiakz... broken families are really messy... but we'll pull through some how some where...

And here the story ends.
8:47 AM

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Right now, i think it's God who's keeping me sane. I know all uni students go through the same pains of school life. Maybe, all these pressures are self inflicted. But, I came to a conclusion that Business Ethic studies is seriously, something that should be incultivated in each person already. So why need to study about it? This kind of thing hard to be learnt from books you know. Anyway... Project work, and assignments are due soon. Trying to keep it there reading my leacture notes regulary (gave up reading the past lectures already.. trying to keep up with the newest ones to gain more in seminars..) Fitting in to the weird irregular time table. Anyway.. i'm pretty burnt... i shall finish up BGS chap 5 and sleep... still have dance tmr... i think if its not God, i won't be sane enough to be still awake..

And here the story ends.
11:02 AM

Thursday, August 26, 2004

god is watching over me every single mmt of my life. he knows when i'm sad, when i'm down, when i'm happy, when i'm glad. he knows my every single thought and word... through my darkest day he has shown me light. through my weakest day he has shown me might. with school starting and hectic schedules, busy with ccas (i joined photog and gourmet and maybe art if i want...) and spa (though real training hasn't really started). pondering of what to wear everyday. church dance practice. piano exam coming up.. highly stressed for tt.. so many things.. and matters of the heart too to deal with... oh god.. come and tidy me up.. i'm so lost!

And here the story ends.
9:27 AM

above all else. baby pink nails. chiffon dress. soft brown curls. and ballet pumps. sitting on the swing, hearing children playing nearby. butterflies dancing to the rhythm of the wind. still am in a daze and dreaming about what tmr would bring...

And here the story ends.
9:12 AM

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

the tree rustles, and the leaves fall down, one by one. dont' u think it's a lovely sight to see? sitting by the fence, watching the dandelion being blown in the wind. looking at the long winding path set before me. and a leaf lands before my feet. i pick it up. lift it up in the air and let go of it, and watch it as it dances with the wind down the path.

And here the story ends.
10:33 AM

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

My life is now like, sitting at a coffee house, sipping a hot cup of cuppaucinno. watching life pass me by. busy people on the streets breezing by. Suddenly, really feel quite alone. Weird but yah. Alone. Its a strange aura that i used to feel before complex issues. Its sadly refreshing. Then, you realise that, you're no longer one of those people walking by on the streets enjoying life. Rather, you become one of those people looking at people enjoying life, and saying "hey, life is splendid you know." Then, you start doing things individually, thinking about things so very often. Praying even more for strength, and wisdom. And when the chaos has settled, you realise that God is showing himself more then ever. Then, when dusk falls, you pick up your bag and sip the last bit of the cuppauccino and walk through the door onto the windy streets.

And here the story ends.
3:25 AM

Monday, August 23, 2004

It started. The end of a chapter, is a beginning of yet another. Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness and all these things shall be added onto you. As of today, I'm on a time-out with kc. It may be surprising, it may be expected. Prayed to God about it, and yuppz. He said to let go. Been crying about it for days now. Woke up like a gold fish this morning. Have been crying about so many things in life. Got hung up yesterday, oh geesh. Then i cry again. Cry till i fell asleep. Didn't realise i was tt tired with everything tts happening in my life since school started till i conked out for 3 hours this afternoon. could have slept more if it was not becoz my phone kept ringing. not to mention, my body is falling apart becoz the heart is not exactly right. Bothered abt alot of things. shall blog a little later abt this P.O.D thing. right now, i hsall soak myself in business ethics study. as much as my emotions are haywired, my physical body is haywired, still have to be resposible for my education. one testimony though. had to buy this STATS book for studies. went to verts (where u can purchase 2nd hand books during a period of 1 week starting from last week) last thursday, no book. to be exact, i went to verts for like the entire week last week, and i couldn't find the stats book. coz its like, relatively sellable product u know... and it depends on your luck, whether or not you can get the book. today, so happen to when i went there, there wasn't any stock at all. becoz no one has brought in the book to sell. however, as i was standing there waiting for my turn to doublt confirm, i saw someone bringing in the book. and i immediately grabbed the chance to buy it. and after which, a lot of pple asked for the book, but were all turned down, coz i bought the last remaining book then. and the book is seriously super new. no markings what so ever, and its wrapped. indeed, God gives the best for His children. Amen.

And here the story ends.
8:16 AM

Friday, August 20, 2004

played tennis with gan today. min was suppose to join us today, but her phone died on her. oh well. anyway, whilst playing halfway, we spotted a strange-looking bird that glides. you know, usually if u spot a bird tt glides, you'll probably think its an eagle. but u know eagles are suppose to have this particular look. but whatever we saw today looks like some pre-historic bird. seriously. i wondered for a mmt if i was actually seeing things. you know how the pre-historic birds look like?? it's just skin, and dark coloured skin? and long sharp beak and a very narrow neck? yea, it looked pretty much like that, i wondered if its actually a new species of birds. now won't tt be cool? anyway, i think there's something wrong with my playing today. must be too tired or something, coz gan and i spent most of the time picking balls instead. haha. hmmz... its the end of my first week in SMU. kinda like it here. it's somewhat similiar to the life in AC, except there's less bitching around and lots of niceness included. and the pple are really really nice and friendly. i'm still trying to keep up with the syllabus though. am a little lost in class this week coz i've no idea whats going on coz i nvr did my preparation before hand. the only problem i have now is tt its so hard to find pple with same time-table as u. so in between lessons really feel like a lost kid, always have to travel around alone. hmmz, not tt i'm not used to travelling alone, it just feels nicer to have pple to talk to along the way. anyway, i discover tt buying 2nd hand book is all a matter of luck. i'm still short of the most important book in term 1 and tts my stats book. its so hard to secure a copy of it in verts. maybe, by tuesday i'll head down to booklink to purchase a new one instead. uni is very different from all the rest of the education i've had. and it's really a matter of sinking in fast to the culture and being able to cope with the changes and stress. boy, am i glad tt God is there for me all the way, so it doesn't feel lonely and lost at times...

And here the story ends.
1:46 AM

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

hmmz... my cousin came to stay over on saturday. created a little havoc, and noise. but i think it was an interesting experience. some how, i find that, i've just gained a little brother. i'm kinda troubled though. my dad was telling me that i should just treat this as a case study, since i want to study psychology. he also told me that i must learn the lesson of not putting too much emotions into this case study or work in future. but, my heart hurts indefinitely. and i almost cried after hearing about all these rubbish. why do adults act so stupid sometimes? (not my dad. its my uncle) he lost his job again today. somehow, even as a 19 year old girl i think i've more sense then my uncle who's 39. he seriously is irresponsible and above all lazy. the problem? he has a family. 2 kids, 1 is 5 years old the other is 3 years old. so? he jumps from job to job, refuses to chip in for the children's education, i believe he abuses his wife (my aunt) and who knows, even the children. he smokes too much, who knows he gambles his money away too. i just can't stand to know that such a person is my uncle! i'm sorry if i really sound mad and stuff but i really am so utterly ashamed. i guess, over time, i kinda developed a big sister figure for my cousins, especially the boy. and i just can't tolerate the thought that something like this happening to the family. its so clear cut to who's in the wrong and who's right. my aunt (who's not my direct blood relative) is hardworking, has low expectations in terms of family life, just requires basic family needs to be met thats all. she's violent but still reasonable. and i don't blame her for her violent instincts becoz, if i ever married some one as lazy and irresponsible as my uncle (i'm so ashamed to say he's my direct blood relative), i think i would be worst and i won't even be able to tolerate his nonsensical ways for more then 1 year. seriously, which guy will not chip in to the child's educational fees? the utilities bill? the house payment? the family income? even a bit? my uncle. i'm so annoyed! and he doesn't even CARE! he just quit his job today, becoz he finds that he works too long hours, too little pay. everyone hopes on him has died. even my mother just told my aunt, if he has quit the job. let him be. let him starve to death. dont' let him stay at your house. if he has to sleep on the streets let him sleep on the streets. it is not worth the effort to look at him everyday. no point. my words came true. the day they got married i told my sister this... i can't believe our uncle is married. for his wasteful ways, he actually got hitched? and 5 years down the road, yuppz, it's been proven. u can never change a man after marriage. he just gets worst. my only sadness is that now my boy cousin has to be "fostered" by all of us. coz, there is simply no way that my aunt can carry the burden of taking care of 2 kids. for a month, he had to be taken care by my aunts, my granny and even my family. and i think that unless my uncle wakes up realising that he has wasted himself away and dragged his entire family, this outcome is gonna be permenant. it has been said that he would be taken care by one of my other aunt (who has 2 other kids). and the finance of bringing up this boy would be carried by all of the relatives (accounting that all of the families have kids who are schooling and even my dad who is earning to pay for 2 uni education, my sister and i) its gonna be tough definitely. gone are the days that i can go out and play on a weekend. i think now, i would also have to chip in into taking care of him on saturdays. which i don't mind coz i do love my cousin. as they say when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. the talk about the 3 S's did come true. separate, split, sell. the parents are gonna separate. the kids will be split. but about the selling of the house, maybe not. my heart aches. but reality is reality. maybe such things would make a person more mature? who knows. but i just feel as though, i've gained a brother. oh god just see us through all of these...

And here the story ends.
12:50 AM

Friday, August 13, 2004

just went through the SMU orientation camp. darn fun la... i really thank god for having placed me in a wonderful team. first of all, the team spirit was there la. really enthu and stuff. then, the games were interesting, i mean like those mass games.. involved a bit of running. but it was bearable. the weird thing is, this time round unlike the AC leadership camp, i told myself tt i would survive it. and i did! i mean it's ultra slack la, like half the time we were just looking forward to food. hahaha.... and the food!! i tell u ah... the food is so cute la... coz, its the same ingredients, just diff ways of preparing. u see, we had fried fish. just with different sauce everyday. and chicken also. super cute. i guess, when u really put your heart into something, it'll work out by itself some how. like, i kinda dread camps, coz its like u dont' get to sleep enough and u go all grumpy? but since, i've stated to myself tt hey, i'm gonna enjoy the camp, and survive it some how, i guess it really just turned out fine. the only upsetting part was perhaps the night walk. over the years i've developed a phobia of being in the dark. i dont' know why. but it has gotten worst over the years, and i didn't realise it. till yesterday night. like, we were suppose to go through something like haunted building la... we entered the black corridor, and then i went hysterical liao. i cant exactly remember much, coz i suffered from panic attack. the only recollection was, i saw a "ghost" behind me. was a guy, quite tall, coz he was a head taller then me. the mmt he was abt to tap my shoulder, i went into panic attack mode. haha...then, a female "ghost" popped up, and tried to bring me out of the place, coz i think i was a bit shaken. and i remember saying this "are u gonna kill me?" then everyone broke out into laughters. though, i wasn't exactly laughing. and then i think i was dragged out. haha... i must have looked really badly la, after exiting the building, coz the pple in charge were like, "are u alright? u look really bad." i'm like, "i just need to breathe". the funny thing is i almost conked out in the toilet la.. haha.. talking abt delayed time reaction.. haha... the weird thing is tt, i knew tt there would be a "ghost" behind me. confirm 100 percent. i was expecting it. but i think i was more scared of the dark then anything else. and he just triggered the panic attack.. hahahaha... anyway, i guess, it's challenge accompplished. i've learnt to be more open minded. more expressive (though i was quite dead on the 2 nd night) and definitely more cheery abt everything in sight. thank god for having taken care of me throughout the camp. and i didn't fall ill at all! instead, i grew stronger and my tummy is much better now... at least it cooperates with me!
:P

And here the story ends.
8:10 AM

Monday, August 09, 2004

Depression. That was the topic the pastor shared with us today. It was a rather interesting topic.
She kinda shared tt there are 3 layers to depression. 1st, the emotional outrage. 2nd, thought of negativiy. 3rd, thought of death. (can't remember exactly but this is abt what she shared).
There are 3 stages of depression. 1st, initial thought of death. 2nd, deeper thoughts on death. 3rd, carrying out those thoughts. She also mentioned tt once a person enters depression, he/she will fall deeper into darkness. morbid thoughts will enter the mind. his/her character becomes covered up. to some, he/she may appear nonchalent and unbothered abt many things. but tt is not truly the case, its just tt depression has taken such a firm grip in tt individual life tt he/she does not know what she's doing.
i thought to myself. all those sound very familiar. almost too familiar already. then it struck me. i did suffer from long term depression. the weird thing is pple who suffer from depression, may not necessary know tt they are suffering from the illness. personally, i nvr knew tt i was suffering from depression. for starters i nvr did seek any medical help. depressed pple look, dress and talk like normal pple do. in addition, they may even appear happier then other pple. personally, throughout my depressed days, i always seem cheery and smiley and fine. however, i knew something was wrong with me throughout my teenagehood but i nvr really figured out what, till i reached the age of 19. (i would talk a little bit abt this in a whilst time).
the pastor was also sharing abt how every single individual would suffer depression symptoms at one point or another in their life, but this person would not fall into depression. however, if there is a right triggering factor, the person would fall into depression.
personally, i can't exactly recall what was the triggering factor. i knew tt throughout my childhood, from p 1 - p4, my life evolved around studies, and the lack of a playmate in the afternoons. which equates lonely. however, tt was not the triggering factor. i think the true triggering factor (or rather the beginning event of my depression) is actually the death of 2 friends of mine. i was at the young age of primary 5. i suffered from shock (normally it'll last till like 1 - 2 years. but this shock took grip of my life for like 7 years. i could not forgive myself for something i did not do for them for 7 years) straight after i learnt of their deaths, my doors in life just shut. i grieved privately. my mother could not understand why am i so bothered by their deaths. whenever i try to bring the issue of their death, my mother would simply shut me up by saying:" their dead already. talk abt them for what? let the dead be the dead." to a p 5 kid, who was suffering from shock, it felt like a tight slap in the face. and along came the pressure of doing well. it was the same year, my mother who do not really discipline me, beat me hard for not putting my best effort in learning chinese (i was really tired tt night and i could not focus in learning spelling. so she hit me hard). and soon after, my world just fell apart.
i had regular thoughts of death in my head.i toyed with ideas on how to die. i was obssessed with vampires and death. i was totally absorbed by dark gothic stuff. (i know my blog is a little gothic, but don't worry i'm not depressed any more). it got to such a bad extent, i dreamt dreams of death. pple coming after me with knives. fires. darkness. falling. breathlessness. i suffered from insomia.
i lost myself for 7 years. but i think the most scary part is tt i can vividly recall those times i wanted to take my life. the first was when i was p 6. i wanted to jump out of my window which was 15 floors above ground. (i was too tired though. so i said, nvr mind. tmr when i have the strength i would. thank goodness i didn't.) and then again the same year. the same thought. i was too tired again. and then the actions ceased till i went up to sec 4. now tt was a scary year, coz, this time i looked at a pen knife. but i was too horrified by the thought tt i would see blood. and what if i couldn't end my life properly? my mum would scold me some more. to be honest, i nvr knew i was suffering from depression. i would joke to my peers and friends tt wah, i super depressed today.
i didn't realise i really was under depression. till JC2. (ain't tt last year?? haha) something tt shook me hard. it was after my prelims. i scored really badly for my prelims. i felt downright stupid. tt night. i cried silently in my room. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't get rid of tt sadness in my heart. everything turned dark. i got out of bed. i went for the medicine cabinet. i reached for panadol. i swallowed a pill. i took the remaining 9 tablets into my room. subconsciously, i knew what i was doing. but every single movement i made. i knew it wasn't me. darkness had wrapped around me and gripped me so hard, i was led by darkness.my heart, my head, all i could see was darkness. my leg moved on their own, my hand reached out by itself. this time round i truly lost control of my entire self. if then, i hadn't had the mindset and knowledge tt by dousing too many pills might just kill me there and then. i would have doused down whatever nonsense i could find in my cabinet. thank goodness, i think god was with me all the while tt night. after dousing down yet another one more pill. i fell asleep. i won't know what would become of myself if i had doused down all 10. the next day i woke up in shock. dousing down the pills had felt like it was all a dream. i knew. i was suffering from something really really serious.
it was not until i got trapped in a toilet for almost an hour or so and images of teenagehood life flashed across my head, and knowing how helpless i was in life, i won't have had the opportunity to share with a fellow pastor why i was so fearful in the toilet. and he would not have had made me renounce my past which was filled with depression and death.
By a turn of luck, tt fearful toilet trip changed my life around. coz ever since tt day, after the prayer said, i do not have any thoughts of death any more. i know tt it was God who set me free.
i finally understood why a 18 year old val and a 19 year old val is so different. a 18 year old val was one who was depressed and didn't know who she was. a 19 year old val is not a depressed person any more and is a stronger ger. i told god one thing on my 19 birthday tt changed my life. tt was "god i want to get serious with you this year." in return, god really showed me a lot of doors. and i'm so very grateful.
i guess, most pple know tt one of my main future goal in life, is to make a difference in a child's life. but most do not really know the true stir behind it. its because, after having suffered from depression throughout my teenagehood, i realise tt if there was some one to guide me during my dark days, i might have had a happier teenagehood. and if God hadn't held me back so very often in my struggles with death, i won't be around any more. since i've gained something from god, which is love. why not share this love with children who too like me fell victim to depression. tts the stir tt was placed in my heart ever since i was set free from darkness of depression.
i hope tt this little testimony of mine has helped u in a way or another. it took courage to actually share it out. but i guess, depression to me is a thing of the past. i'm a newer me, modified and improved by God. and i just wanna say how much i'm thankful for the person i am. though i still suffer a little depression symptoms, like being anti-social at times, i'm no longer slave to depression. :) Amen!

And here the story ends.
12:23 AM

Saturday, August 07, 2004

The fear of the Lord, is the beginning of wisdom.

And here the story ends.
8:46 AM

Friday, August 06, 2004

Argh... computer lagging big time. shoot. and my all the rest of the web pages is loading like grandfather speed. i think i need to go do something to make my comp more stable. must be a bug or something. hmmz... maybe i shall re-load everything once again. then it'll be okie. anyway, with regards to the e-mail i recieved, it was really interesting. dont' u think so? hmmz... went to school today. weirdly, everytime i go to school i feel inspired and stirred to work hard. i've no idea why. must be becoz of all their talks. i've decided tt i'll go overseas exchange for a period of time. try my luck at 6 months see i can survive anot. overseas exchange would definitely be an eye opener. learn to be independent too. who knows, come back, will know how to whip a dish or two. went shopping today. i think i'm almost done revamping my wardrobe already. i bought a zara t-shirt. ehz, first time ever one zara t-shirt compliments me. so happy. i actually wanted to buy 2. but my sis had something against one of the choices so ended with only 1. but i'm happy enough. next to revamp. my wall. another thing, i've been trying to find out information abt the courses tt i'm choosing, but i can't seem to get any head start. sheesh...

And here the story ends.
9:15 AM

I recieve a really interesting e-mail today. shall share it. its with regards to marriage.

5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE PARTNER (RABBI DOV HELLER, M.A.) A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating theprospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making thedecision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that manyare making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms.Right!If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,they'll say: "We're in love."I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing alife partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound notpolitically correct, there's a profound truth here.Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result ofa good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the lovewill come.Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on Lovealone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must askyourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1:* Do we share a common life purpose?Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do youplan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need acommon life purpose.Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you cangrow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. Tomake a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottomline-and marry someone who Wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2:* Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. Thebasis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won'tget "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom youfeel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safewith the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3:* Is he/she a mensch?A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can youtest?Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regularbasis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of minedefines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good anddo the right thing."So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Isthis person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someonewhose top priority is character refinement.There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who arededicated to personal growth, and people who are dedicated to seekingcomfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will putpersonal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know thatbefore walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4:* How does he/she treat other people?The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat peoplewhom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxidriver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they havegratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the peoplewho have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll havegratitude for you--who can't do nearly as much for them!You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventuallytreat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5:* Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we'remarried?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intentionof trying to "improve" them after they're married.As a colleague of Mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone tochange after marriage ... for the worse!"If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then youare not ready to marry them.

CONCLUSIONIn conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less withyour heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating,to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring onyour finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because youdidn't do your homework.

And here the story ends.
9:04 AM

Thursday, August 05, 2004

All right man... it's thursday. suffering from indigestion again. i wonder. whats wrong with my stomach. thinking if i should go for a run tmr. maybe i should. freshen up my soul. good for the body. or maybe i should go swimming. thinks nah a run would do me good. decided to take control of my finances. can't keep spending without brains. afterall, i am getting into the habit of shopping. oh man. bad bad bad. hiakz. currently, am in the mood to chuck things out of my room. cleaning your room is like cleaning out your heart. man. it feels so good. but i realise, i've nothing much to clear anymore. coz i've cleared a lot in the past few weeks. maybe i should start creating a new wall soon. tear down all the old posters and create something arty-farty like photo wall or something? after all, i do like lomo lomo. but abt the materials. needa source for them. something loud chic. how abt tt? and since i'm in e season of youth why not splash the colours of red and pink? was thinking abt hanging a couple of red strings across the wall of my room and clip on some photos tt i've taken and change them on a regular basis. but tt'll mean all the posters on my wall has to go. i know what! i shall clean e bookshelves! since uni is starting soon, i might as well just chuck some old books away! cool idea. talking abt studying i'm quite shocked to realise tt a lot of my frens have started studying. not tt i'm trying to be ks. but i realise, i'm not making full use of my time. been slacking too much. oh bummer. oh geesh.. i think i shall turn in early and wake up early. good plan.

And here the story ends.
11:08 PM

I'm a mess. have been crying for days now. the last time i remember crying so much was years ago, looking out of my window at night. crying at 3 am in the morning. all the way till wow i can't even remember how long. Pple... pls pray for me. I'm serious messed up. can't go around looking like a gold fish can i? And when i start to think abt things. i start crying again! and my head is so fuzzy wuzzy. and my heart just aches non-stop. and tears just keep falling like their free. and i'm seriously not myself. even pple complains, like, hey val something is wrong with you. i don't know. i'm just messed up. stage is set. lights are on. the show is about to begin.

And here the story ends.
2:01 AM

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Shaken. to let go or not to let go? good lord, can't u just yell at me the answer? darkness. when will the lights be turned on? stripped. only u can face it alone. was talking to my sister abt issues with regard to life. talked abit abt what u should look forward in life and stuff. hiakz... she taught me one thing "life is a gamble". sounds a little familiar. some one told me this once. silly me. why am i thinking abt myself and myself and myself. there is so much tt one can offer to the world then thinking abt their own problem all the time. but the weird thing is, if u dont' think abt them... pple will say u're running away. but if u're thinking abt them too much, pple will say u're selfish and don't think abt others. oh bummer. have to be strong val. have to be strong. your name means strong. there are things tt needs to be done. put yourself aside and think of others. a bit pretentious, like when u know there's something wrong, yet, u just won't want to admit it? and tt u hide all those sadness inside of u. to start all over again? is tt even the right time to ask abt it? dry the tears. there are plenty of pple who you need to care abt. strength. i need strength lord. courage. i need courage too lord. above all. i need u lord.

And here the story ends.
8:39 AM

Monday, August 02, 2004

yea!!! rejoice in the Lord. the blog is up and running proper! and i finally managed to get the tag board to the place i want. though, its a bit different from the initial template. however, it's almost similiar. all thanks to elisabeth from blogfrocks for the original template!! :) next up on the list is to understand how to add photos onto the blog. tt one is gonna be challenging. anyway, shall talk a bit abt today. the weather was cloudy. so was my feelings. hope tmr will be a brighter day for me. shall go swimming. anyway, my stomach is not doing very well again. having tummy problems... the strange thing of late is tt, whenever i eat too much oil in any form, i'll have stomache. and a really bad one. tt'll last 2 or more days. happened last week. still happening today. and will happen tmr. oh well. i'm darn tired. emotionally charged. argh.. and school is starting... shakes head...

And here the story ends.
10:24 AM

Sunday, August 01, 2004

God ah... u're darn powerful... i surrender liao. seriously, i surrender liao. talking abt feeling the awe of God and the timing of God, this is such a time as this. There's a lot of things happening this week ah. Like canna keep being whacked by God. but nvr mind. God is good and he loves me a whole lot. Brokenness, rubbish accumulated, dirty laundry are all being hung up one by one. not literally la... (u can imagine the funny image... ) anyway... it's like clearing the closet la... feels good. and answered my prayers of being FREE!!! free to dance in HIS kingdom, and a lot of things la... it's rather painful but well... obeying God is soemthing really important. learnt from the pastor today abt the 3 different types of love... Aros' love > visual love. Philos love > conditioned love. Agape love > unconditional love. man... i've a long way to go. i've understood what life lesson HE wants me to love. tts Agape love. another interesting thing he shared today. its tt loving some one means loving till it hurts. man.. i've not exactly tried tt before... maybe when it happens tts what we called true love bah... anyway... life lesson number 2. obeying God. hiakz... so many things within a short week. but the peace of God is with me. God u're darn powerful. and u're so amazing...

And here the story ends.
10:27 AM